Subterranean Tangle

We have an idea for an exciting new reality show. We are still working on the title, but the premise is something like this: A pair of American newlyweds is given a Moscow metro subway map. Two stations on opposite sides of the city are selected. They must navigate their way from one station to the next. Cameras will follow their ill-fated trail and capture their slow and gradual collapse. The show will be a voyeuristic exploration of the waning patience of a couple, the slow demise of good-nature and humor, and the ultimate implosion of the human resolve to succeed. I can smell the Emmy, and it smells like borscht.

The Moscow subway system has a network of over 100 stations—none of which are possible to find. They truly are camouflaged, hiding under cover of monuments, shops, restaurants, and totally unmarked buildings. I swear one metro entrance was actually under the counter of a nondescript bakery. When we accidently said the magic word—“sesame roll”—lights started flashing, bells began ringing, the baker congratulated us with a hug, and a trap door to the subway steps opened up behind the bread case. We weren’t planning on going anywhere, but when you happen upon a station you have to capitalize on your good fortune.

Things get even messier once underground. Nothing is in English. Nothing. To compound this challenge, the signs in Russian might as well be in Chinese—their letter system, known as Cyrillic, is what gave Campbell’s the inspiration for alphabet soup. Three stops on the “blue” line might look something like this: KPACH3NRCCИCMCOβ – ПОРДГЗКЛЛЭСТУ – PYRCMХШЪЮЯФХТТС. My brain shuts down at the sight of four consonants in a row. Realizing this might be a problem for non-Russian speaking visitors, the Muscovite metro designers thoughtfully color coded the six lines that crisscross the city. These gents apparently have a twisted sense of humor. The “magenta” line bleeds dangerously close in hue to the “brown” line which looks suspiciously like the “orange” line that is undeniably the same color as the “red” line. Oddly enough, the two colored lines which are the most distinguishable are the “blue” and the “slightly lighter blue” lines.

To add fear to this wicked mix of anger and confusion that has now overtaken you, the Moscow subway system is the deepest in the world. Rapid escalators transport you to the core of the Earth, to hot liquid magma levels. Your eardrums pop during the subterranean descent. It is hard to concentrate when you are 1,000 leagues under the sea, and when you become lost you start to feel like a smoked-out ground mole that will never see daylight again. You might be miles from your destination, but the sight of a single sunray is enough to inspire relief.

Desperation, failure, resilience and triumph—who knew a mode of mass transport could provide all these things in one harrowing trip to pick up your laundry?